[01:31] Giveaway & Q&A Reminder

And before I begin with the teachings, I want to remind you that there’s an amazing giveaway happening on Instagram right now. If you go to my Instagram, lin s coaching, you will see a giveaway post, yes, in… On my feed. The only thing you have to do is share that giveaway in your stories, tag me so I can see that you’re sharing it, and tag three other couples, friends underneath the post. Also like the post, obviously. Yes. Then you’re part of the giveaway. You can win an amazing prize, an amazing discount for Unstoppable Lovers. Yes. The incredible program that you can join that we start in November, or you can win Sensational Love Night, which is this juicy lovemaking date night actually for couples. Join the giveaway. Second thing I want you to remember is the q and a. So on Thursday, we have a full on q and a session. I will coach you. I will answer all of your questions. Give them to me. Bring them to me. The more that you will feed me, the more I can really help you and support you. So do not forget and do not hesitate to just ask me any questions you have. You can describe your relationship situation. I will fill into this. Yeah? This is my job, and I will give you the exact exit, routes and the exact ways of dealing with certain problems or certain questions that you have relating to this transmission to also, of course, yesterday’s day one video on passion and sexuality, and so anything is welcome in this q and a.

 

[02:57] Triggers & Stress Responses

Alright? So now let’s begin. Today, conflicts, tension, and how to go from conflict and using conflicts actually to create a deeper connection instead of maybe a fight that lasts days or hours depending on your dynamics. Yes? So we want to be able to use stress and conflicts and and tension between you to bring you closer instead of further from each other. Let’s dive in. What happens in a fight and what happens when life gives you stress, yes, is that you become triggered. K? A trigger response means that you have a stress response. Fight, flight, freeze. Yes. Dissociating, so leaving your body. And the last one, a very important one, fawning, pleasing. It means that you are avoiding conflict, ignoring your own needs in order to appease the other ones, to appease the other ones emotions. Yeah? It’s a trauma response. A lot of people have it. And trigger means and a trauma or a stress response means that you are dysregulated. And please know that you do not have to have had a big shock trauma as they call it, yes, to everyone to have this. Everyone has stress responses. You all have a response in our system that is automatic, that is a reaction to difficult moments in life. Yes? And those are things that are taught. Those are things that we have learned in our childhood. And it is very important to understand that how you respond and react to life, those responses are ancient. The stress survival response shows it that it is because the intensity with which you react to certain situations, even the typical conflicts that you have in your relationships or even misunderstandings or tensions, yes, can be in a varying degree of of intensity. When you know that your emotional response is intense, it is hysterical. When it is hysterical, it is historical. And also for the men here, men have in our conditioning, our cultural conditioning, there’s certain emotions that are accepted for men. Anger or shutting down, avoiding, this is also a stress response. Yes? So all of this includes all of the behavior that we that we have. And so what happens in a moment of a trigger is that you time travel. You go back to a younger version of yourself. Actually, to the first time when you had this feeling, there’s an original imprint when you first had this feeling, and it was so impactful, you couldn’t integrate it. Yeah? And you dissociate it. It’s kind of an arrested development that happens. And you put a bookmark in your book, yes, and your body brings it back up over and over again saying, oh, is this now a good time to finally digest the emotions, the pain, the hurt that you experienced as a little boy or as a little girl? And this is what actually happens when you are in a trigger with your partner, is you time travel back to that part of yourself, into that little boy and that little girl. We all do it. Okay? And there’s ways of avoiding that, and we keep touching the work, avoiding it, and we project it on the other. So this is what I see in relationships over and over again. I’m going to explain all of these things throughout this entire transmission, so please bear with me and and just trust that the the the questions and the answers will come. And, of course, if you have more questions at the end of this transmission, put them in the form. So unless integration happens, yes, and integration and how to integrate, I will I will speak on that later, unless integration happens, the bookmark will stay. Yes? So you will continue to time travel in conflict intention. And so that means that you’re no longer a grown up talking in the kitchen. What you are saying is actually from your five year old self, and you only have access quote unquote to your five year old self files. Yes? You’re not your grown grown up version anymore. TerriReal, a very famous relationship specialist, yeah, psychologist, he calls this the the inner child. Yes? And you don’t have access to your adult version. It’s as simple as that. Every person, every relationship expert speaks about the same things, about this dynamic, about this mechanism. So you don’t have access to the grown up tools, yes, when you have regressed, and you cannot have a conversation from… When both of you are in a stress response, when both of you are reacting from your from your immature parts, basically. So what happens in a in a conflict is that you need to travel back to the present moment where your grown up files are, where you can connect with your wise adult self again. That’s a very important thing to understand. Okay? That is called nervous system regulation. This is how repair happens. It’s this self awareness, oh, this is actually what is happening. I’m not in my wise, peaceful, loving self right now. I’m in a I’m in a stress response, and now it’s my responsibility. It’s my part of the street to take myself out of it. More on that in a moment.

 

[08:20] Emotions Absorbed From Our Parents

So the emotions that you took on when you were a child. Yes? Many of your emotions are the ones that you actually have absorbed from your parents. There’s a big chance that you might be repeating your… The emotional response that you, if you are honest with yourself and you take a moment to look at your parents and to reflect back on how your childhood was, that you’re responding in the exact same way that one of your parents was responding, or you’re doing the opposite. That’s the two the two dynamics and responses that happening. Either it’s copying or the… Or or the model, yes, or it’s the opposite that you’re applying. And both are stress responses. Yes? Both are reactions to the unmet needs that you had as a child. And so, for example, when one of your parents or both parents were ignoring and repressing an emotion, for example, which is the case for all of our parents. Yeah? This is… I mean, the things I’m teaching you now, this is why this is golden ignite and the the work I’m inviting you into and the human I’m inviting you to become, the lover I’m inviting you to become, it’s golden because so little humans and and people know and take the responsibility to to grow in this way. It’s internal growth. Yes? That makes you happier, more confident and and just creates an an an an epic life. Yes? So understanding how important this information is and to really receive it as as a gift, yes, to yourself is between brackets, something I want to I want to stress. Our parents were ignoring and repressing an emotion because that generation, they didn’t know how to do these things. Our generation, we are the cycle breakers. Yes? And you’re here because you’re a cycle breaker. K? So when you don’t feel your feelings and they don’t know… Or your parents rather didn’t know how to process it, it goes in that moment in the most porous nervous system, which is a nervous system of the child, which was you in that moment. If you are a parent right now, the same thing is happening with your kids. When you are in your family dealing with your family situation and you’re not regulated, your children will absorb your emotions. Please understand that. Please understand also that this is why this work is so important, not only for your partner, but also for your children if you have them. Okay? This is how you avoid that your children actually become traumatized in the same way you were. K? It’s taking the responsibility and it’s the biggest gift you can give your your children. It’s to become a regulated parent. Okay? And so, whichever parent you feel and you felt least connected with, the most likely is that you have the most subconscious loyalty towards that… Towards them unconsciously this happens. And that means loyalty as a little child means that you take on their sadness, you take on their anger. Yes? We pick up the guilt, the addiction to victimhood. Yeah? The addiction to… I don’t know. Your parents may be blaming the outside world, certain patterns, certain ways of looking at the outside world, the relationship with the other that you just copied out of loyalty. This is all unconscious. Look at yourself, your own behavior, be honest, and create that connection with your parents, and you’ll see that. And we do that… Why? We do that as little children. Why? Because we want to stay in rapport with them. We want to be loyal. Yes. Because we want to survive. So it’s really the belonging to our family of origin in that moment when we are that young, it’s essential for our survival. So this is why the nervous system does this. We suck it up. We respond to that. Yeah? We learn in this way. We develop our nervous system responses in those moments. And so if you keep feeling guilty as an adult that is in relationship, for example, with your mother, with your mother feelings feed… Feelings of guilt, so you’re still actually loyal to your mother in a way that you you were as a little girl or a boy. Yeah? And so we take on their emotion literally. So the guilt that your mother has had and didn’t have the courage or the tools to digest, you actually recreate it in your nervous system out of loyalty. Can be any other emotion. Yeah? And we take that emotion thinking that we can help them. Yeah? And you can create that rapport by keeping it. So this is what happens in our bodies as… In our nervous system as little little children. Yeah? And so letting it go means that you actually hurt a person you love. So it’s deep what I’m what I’m saying now. Yes? If you let go of the anger that you you copied and you you took on from your father, for example, it means that you do no longer love your father unconsciously. Yes? So these are things that is part of the healing process. K? And the same the same happens with your partner and in certain dynamic dynamics, yeah, with your partner actually, it’s that in certain moments of them being triggered, you try to help them by taking on their emotion and by saving them or by fixing their emotion. It’s the same response that you have now in your relationship that goes back to your childhood response. And it’s important to know that you cannot save your partner. You can also cannot hold and save your parents. Yeah? We’re all responsible for digesting our own emotions, and we can only digest emotions that are created in our own nervous system. So it’s per definition impossible on a neuropsychological, neuroscientific point of view to digest emotions that are from the other. You cannot digest it for them. Right? That makes sense. So this is, of course, how we create a mother son relationship, insert a romantic relationship, or a father daughter relationship. You as a man becoming your father and your woman becoming your daughter and you as a mother mothering your man. Yes? The the dynamic is as such that, you know, their emotion makes you feel uncomfortable and you are fixing it. You’re trying to solve it instead of being with the discomfort that their their emotion is creating within yourself. You stay focused on them and you’re trying to control their behavior. Also with… By gaslighting, by the way, so by the… You know, making it seem that it’s not important, that it’s not a big deal. So this happens all the time, and I’m going to give you solutions to that. So every single problem in life, honestly, can be related to not being attuned to your nervous system. Self regulation is the most important thing you can learn as a human being. Okay? This will not only serve again your relationship, you being a parent, if you are a parent. This will serve in all of your relationship. This will serve in your career. This will serve you in the most magnificent way. It’s the ability to cope with whatever life throws at you. Yeah? And it’s one of the elements of self esteem. Okay?

 

[15:28] Why Partners Trigger Us: Attachment & Imago

And the reason why we get triggered by a romantic partner, as I explained, is because they remind about us of our parents. This is attachment theory. Yes? Also also an imago theory. You can look these things up if you’re new to these terms. These are all things that are analyzed. Yes? We actually unconsciously look for partners, romantic partners that remind us of our of our parents, both of our parents, and especially the negative traits, the pain that our parents created inside of ourselves. Again, the bookmark is still there. We’re creating and looking for partners that recreate that same pain so we can sign… Finally solve it. Yeah? This is imago. We confuse our current partner. Yes? This is all happening in the primal brain. It’s a bit of simplified way of explaining it, but this is what happens in the unconscious and subconscious way. Yeah. So our partners, we choose them because they trigger us in the same way that our parents triggered us. Yeah. That’s important to understand. So we actually look for someone to bring out, you know, our neurosis, our stress, our triggers, our deepest wounds, our deepest pain. And this is the good news of you being inside of Ignite. And, of course, if you choose to to join us on the lovers, yes, the program, we’re going to practice this, obviously. And, of course, inside of Ignite, like today, I’m going to give you already some amazing tools. Yeah? Is that you want to both understand, ah, this is what is happening. Now we can choose in a conscious way to respond in different ways, and we can heal our neurosis, our pain together. Yes? And this is how you team up together as an us against the triggers, against… Not against because against the judgment is not how we we heal it. It’s by by love and compassion. More on that in a in a moment. Deep breath. Yep. Let’s go. Let’s continue.

 

[17:28] Your Emotions Are Your Responsibility

It’s not your partner’s job to regulate your emotions. Being an adult means that you understand that no one is going to come to rescue you. Your partner is not your mother. Your partner is not your father. This is your responsibility. It’s your own job to consider your own emotion as sacred. Yeah? If you are someone who lives a lot from their mind, who rationalizes everything, yes, who also analyzes tension and when your partner comes with emotions from this rational intellectualizing perspective, I have that tendency by the way also, believe it or not. I can I can do that? You’re actually you’re actually preventing preventing the the acceptance and compassion that actually is needed in that moment. And you do that with your own emotions too. So people are very smart intellectually speaking, oftentimes that also has been partially… Of course, there’s a gift in that. Yes? It’s amazing when you have intellectual capacity and and and intelligence. But sometimes oftentimes, it’s also something that has been developed to avoid feeling your own emotions and to deal with certain childhood situations that were overwhelming. So you actually overemphasize the rational, the intellect, And men… Most cases, men have been socialized more in that direction because as a little boy, this is the the message you receive. Do not cry. Do not show emotions, etcetera, etcetera. Yeah. So as a man, you might be either avoiding your emotions or you might be in a collapsed response. Yes? In in a complete overwhelm, both both show a certain stress response, a certain incapacity to digest. So you have to start welcoming your own and loving your own emotions. If we would love and welcome and accept our own emotions, we would be enlightened. This is the path that we’re going on as as a human race. Yes? We’re going towards evolution. This is one of the elements of our evolution. This is what you’re part of right now. It’s huge. It’s amazing. Nobody taught us how to do this. In school, what are we being taught? We’re not being taught how to regulate our nervous systems, how to communicate in a way that, you know, we give feedback when we are triggered, etcetera, etcetera. Almost nobody is actually attuned to your… To their own nervous system, not our parents, not our teachers. Yes? So, yeah. We we we unconsciously, you know, bring in our relationships this this fixing element, this projecting our emotions on the other. Yes? We want other others to to feel our pain. We want others to hold our emotions for us and especially our romantic partners, and that’s just not fair. Yeah?

 

[20:10] Blame, Projection & Invalidation

And some of the things I I see very often… Yeah. And I’m going to speak on it, and and I spoke on it on… In day one already also, because it relates to sexual life, obviously. It’s that, you know, we point fingers. Bam. Bam. Bam. Most couples do that. Yeah. It’s a very crunchy thing to admit, and this is one of the things I want you to look at. One of the many things is like, how are you accusing your partner? Yeah? Accusations are projections. This is a way that you’re avoiding your own feelings and your own responsibility. Blaming, accusing, judging, shaming the other, putting… Toning the other down is a feeling that you’re not feeling within yourself. A part inside of you that’s actually vulnerable, that is scared, that needs love. And instead of feeling that, being responsible, being mature, yes, emotionally mature, I’m not talking about the intellect. You can be smart in an intellectual way, but not so smart actually on an emotional intelligence. Yes? We all need to learn that. I’m saying this with compassion, obviously. You go to blaming your your partner. Yes? It’s easier to point fingers than to deal with your own vulnerability and to take responsibility. So 90% of accusing, blaming, complaining is actually a denied part within yourself. Instead of saying, hey, I feel scared that you’re going to leave me. This is vulnerable. Yes? Can you feel that? You say you never come home on time after work. Yeah? This is the the accusation part, and you have, I’m sure, many examples of that. So ask yourself, when am I accusing my partner of something? And also be honest. Look at how you are doing the same thing sometimes. There is this tendency of judging the other where actually the behavior we’re judging the other is actually behavior that we have also do and that we deny within ourselves. Yes? And there’s a beautiful quote from Krishnamurti, which I want to share is judgment is a knife that cuts you away from someone else. So whenever you’re accusing, judging, complaining, etcetera, you’re using that knife to cut you away from your partner. Yeah. Told you this was a big one, this call, this this class. So when you invalidate, for example, your partner’s feelings, it’s another one. Yes? When you do that, and you might be doing that all the time. Yes? There’s different sneaky ways that you are invalidating your partner’s emotional and just life experience. Yeah? Very painful, and that often happens through many years. Yeah? That’s why this this has an impact on your libido, your sexual connection that I spoke on yesterday. It’s all relating to the dynamics I’m speaking on today because this is emotional safety. When there’s no emotional safety, there’s no orgasmic… Multi orgasmic open flow of arrows and attraction and juiciness between you. So when you shut down your partner’s feelings, it means that you’re shutting your own feelings down. Yeah. You’re invalidating your own feelings. If you, in some shape or form, say you should not feel that, you might do that in a non verbal way by the way, might not even be with your words. Your partner will always feel the quality of your nervous system. Your words do not matter. If the state of your nervous system says the opposite, your partner will will feel that. That’s the primal. Yes? And you’re so connected to each other, so your partner feels all of that. It… Your partner feels your ********, basically. Yes? But since it’s it’s all in the subconscious and all and all maybe intellectualized and rationalized, you’re not you’re not addressing that. This will change us from today. You show or say you shouldn’t feel that. It shows shame, and it shows actually… In certain cases also, I cannot cope with the fact that I hurt someone I love this much, so it’s it’s easier for me to get pissed off. Yes? And to to tell them they should not feel that way instead of actually being responsible and dealing with the fact, actually, I I just hurt the person I love the most in the world. And we do that a lot in our relationship. It’s part of the of the of the deal is acknowledging, oh, I hurt the person I love the most. It doesn’t make me a bad person, but it can bring up certain emotions that you have to deal with instead of invalidating. Yes? Aggression. Yeah. Complaining, blaming, invalidating always is a mask, a layer, a mask, a protection mechanism, a way to avoid actually feeling shame, envy, jealousy, guilt. Yeah? Those emotions always masquerade as aggression because aggression is an easier and anger is an easier emotion to feel for some people. And it’s also just in general more accepted in our society. K? So be aware of that. Be aware of when you are doing that, when you are attacking. For certain people, we all have our way of dealing, a certain emotional response that we have that is the easiest for us to go to instead of going a layer deeper. So for some of the Alzheimer’s sadness, you’re going to collapse. Yes, instead of feeling maybe the anger that is underneath that. It’s all learned behavior, my loves. So

 

[25:45] Underneath Every Conflict Is a Need

most conflicts, you know, it does not seem that way. Sometimes it seems like, oh, one partner is powerful in the conflict because they’re the fighty ones. Yes? When you’re attacking, that means like… Or that can look like, oh, I feel like I’m winning, and that’s a problem. Yes? That we look at in those moments we are fighting each other. Yes? We’re in a conflict instead of remaining as a team. I will give you tools to be that team in a moment. So in most conflicts, both partners feel like they are drowning. Yes? Even no matter what response you have, you have that feeling of, ****. There’s actually something I’m I’m drowning here. I need help. And the thing is, like, you cannot expect your partner to throw you a life jacket. Okay? Like when you’re in the plane, I mean, luckily has never happened with the oxygen man with his mask. They say don’t do it first on your children, first put on your your own. It’s a similar thing. You need to help yourself first in a in a a situation of conflict, in a situation of of stress, of trigger. You need to self regulate first. Put on your first… Your life jacket first. Yeah? First thing to understand. You cannot expect your partner to give you… To throw you the life jacket. The second one is conflict is always a misunderstanding. Yes? It’s… Whenever you’re fighting, yeah, underneath all conflicts, blaming, accusations, there’s always a need, a deeper need, and it’s oftentimes the same one. So it’s never about the dishes. It’s never about the sex that’s not happening. It’s never about you come home late for work. It’s… Actually, I do not feel seen. I do not feel heard. I didn’t… Do not feel understood, I do not feel respected. AKA, I don’t feel loved right now. Yes? And that’s the important thing to understand and and this is how you can bring compassion when your partner goes into a reaction. Yes? In a trigger response, a stress response is like, oh, there’s something deeper happening for them. Yes? Feel that. Yeah. Become curious about that. I’m going to give you tools on exactly how to do that in a moment. And this thing of like, oh, I don’t feel loved right now, it’s actually a lie. It’s actually a misunderstanding because honestly, is love… The truth is that love is always there. Yes? It’s like with a child. If you are a parent, like, if your child is annoying you, you still love them. Yeah. You still love your your child. Right? So why don’t you start communicating that with your partner also? What? Imagine if your parents would have said, I’m angry at you, but, you know, I love you more than I’m angry. Like, I still love you, but I’m angry at you right now. That would have brought so much nuance. Yeah? So in in a fight, in conflict, intention, you… I invite you all, yeah, to be the first one to get to, I remember that I actually love this person. Yeah? I’m pissed off, but I also remember that actually I love them. I love him. I love her.

 

[28:51] Who Comes Back to “The Us” First

So it’s almost like I’m inviting you to get into competition to see who can come back to The Us first, to the love first. Yes? Again, The Us is a third entity. Your relationship, your love is a third entity. Tomorrow, I’m going to tell you on how to feed that third entity in the most amazing ways. So how fast can your nervous system in the moment of tension go back into a regulated nervous system state? Okay? How fast can you remember, oh, I actually love them even though there’s a lot happening in my system or, like it looks like freezing or whatever it… Your response is. Yes? So relationships… It’s relationship fitness. Like, it’s the relationship dojo, the relationship gym. How quickly can you recover from an argument and can you be the first one? So that you still have fights, you will always have fights and arguments and tension. That’s okay. Missing… Misalignment or disagreements or whatever because you always have your own way of looking at the world. Yes? You will never agree fully. That’s why you’re your own individuals. But you resolve it in fifteen minutes instead of five hours, or sometimes I speak with couples and they say, oh, the impact of our fights of certain emotional stuff, it lingers for a week. I was talking to a couple three days ago. That’s what they told told me. Yes. And they joined Ostambul Lovers. Such a good decision. Yes. And so to self regulate is actually the most romantic thing you can do. It’s better than any romantic dinner. It’s better than any trip to Italy. It’s any lingerie set you buy for your woman. Yes? Or for your for your man. It’s the most romantic thing you can do. Regulate the nervous system. The best lube in a in a relationship also. How to do that? Yes. Let’s go to the nitty gritty of self regulation. So those changes, they do not have in the… Happen in the cognitive. It’s not in the mind. It’s not in the intellect. It’s not in the ratio. It’s in the body.

 

[31:02] Becoming a Safe Space for Your Emotions

This is why all of my work is about embodiment. Becoming a safe space for the feeling to be brought up. You need to become a safe space for your own emotion. You need to become a safe space for your partner’s emotions. Okay? You cannot shame a feeling into dissolution. You cannot shame them. Yes? When shaming and judging and denying or ignoring a feeling, it it becomes more powerful. Yeah? And it turns into disease by the way. People that at the age of 60 or 70 get cancer and all of that. It’s because of undigested stress built up in… From their entire lives. Okay? Truly, it’s one of the reasons why there’s certain diseases are directly related to the emotional bio biochemical nondigestion of emotion. You can look this up. This is all proven by science, by the way. This is not woo woo. I’m talking neuropsychology, neuroscience here. You can only love a feeling into submission. Yes? Very important to understand. This entire master class is about love. Emotions and feelings are sensations in the body. So whenever the body speaks, yes, to you, you need to start learning to listen and try to solve from your mind. Yes? It’s through embodiment, and it’s like your sensations is the same with amazing sex. Yes? It… I I I told… I talked to you about that yesterday. Your sensations and what your body is saying moment after moment is the most important information the universe is sending you. Like, it’s the universe, what it could say, if it could talk, it talks through your sensations. Yes? The closest connection to the sacredness of life, the the divine even is through your body, to nature. Yes? So your feelings are cutting edge intelligence of your being. It’s the highest intelligence. It’s not your mind, it’s your body. Yes. It’s deeper layers of your being. So making what is happening in your nervous system the most important information in the universe is super important, and this might be, yeah, a completely new thing for you. Like, you’re learning a new language. You’re learning a new way of being. Welcome. You. It’s the best. I I I will guarantee you. I guarantee you that. So the only thing you need to know about emotions is like you need to acknowledge them, realize it’s there, feel them, go to the sensations in the body and where they appear, and communicate about them in a loving straightforward way to yourself and others. So just recognizing that emotions are human, natural, and no big deal. Some people they say, right, if you actually feel an emotion when it’s properly acknowledged, which is what most people do not do, yes, it can only live in your body for five to seven minutes. This is how you become a liberated human is that when things are triggering you, you have the capacity to move through it in a smooth way and even in an orgasmic way. Maybe I’ll I’ll teach that tomorrow. I might not teach it today. I will teach it inside of unstoppable lovers where your emotions actually, yeah, can be turned into orgasms. Amazing. Yeah. This is what what I teach couples. So the story that you have in your mind about your emotions, about life are a way to dodge a feeling. This is what we are taught in childhood. Yes? Our sadness gets interviewed. It needs to be explained like like, why are you here? Why are you sad? It’s a typical questions that, you know, we get as little children and even as adults. Yes? Like… And as a child, what you do is like, oh, I have to make up a reason unless I have a reason. Yes? Unless I have it, my feeling is not accepted. Yeah. This is this is the same with anger with any emotion you have. And so the truth is like, why are you feeling this way is not helpful. It brings you into the mind. It brings you into, you know, defending or explaining why. And sometimes you do not know why a feeling is there. And, you know, the going to the to the mind is a way to… Yeah. To do to dissociate, and you’ve learned that, you know. It’s it’s has a function. It had a function as a child, it… To deal with overwhelm. So if you’re feeling overwhelmed a lot, if that’s a a thing that you know and you need to really compare… Compartmentalize, This is information. Yes? Because you dissociated as a child. The child couldn’t cope with the intense feelings, so this is why the dissociation happened. And so it worked when you were a child, so you keep on doing it as a father, as a mother, as a as a husband, as a wife, as a partner. There’s so many ways that we avoid feeling our emotions, you know, so many actually addictions that we have through eating, through watching screens, whatever, through scrolling, through working out, through thinking, through smoking. Yes. Any addictions that you have, even working out, yes, even the so called positive ones can be in a lot of cases a way to avoid feeling your emotions. Yeah. Because you’re going for this positive hormonal impact of of of working out, has its its its purpose obviously, and not saying stop working out like I work out. And there’s other type of emotional acknowledgment that, you know, you’re invited to learn. It’s dignifying your feelings, dignifying your sadness. Yeah? Dignifying… Letting it know that you’re welcome. Yeah? It’s safe, and you don’t need to justify your existence. Again, if you’re a parent and you can feel that, you can acknowledge that when you’re a good parent, quote, unquote. You let your child feel what they have to feel. Yeah? You stay welcome, and you love them still no matter what feeling they have. Yeah? So

 

[36:56] Unmeshing From Your Family System

another another one, you know, to understand is, like, the feelings, and I I said it in the beginning of this class. It’s like your emotions are emotions that you absorb from your parents. So what we have to do as adults is taking our energy back, unmeshing from our family systems. Maybe you’ve heard of family constellations. Yeah. This relates to that as well on a more nervous system level. Yeah. Yeah. Time you’re doing something that has never been done in your family, this is scary for your nervous system. So this is why there might be resistance in in everything I’m teaching you. Yeah. It’s because it’s scary. You need to have courage. It’s one of the most courageous things you can do is to look at yourself and and to actually become enmeshed from your family system. Yeah? You’re calling in the need for your parents to love you when you are, you know, loyal to them by staying angry, for example. So you… We have to do the work of calling this energy back. Yeah? And so calling back the you that tries to make, you know, people love you, parents love you, you know, trying to manipulate the situation by responding in a certain way and letting that go. Yeah. So… And that is never done. So it’s like a dishwasher that you have to continue to to to load and unload. You know? So it’s like you let go of of the shaming. Yes. I do… I, you know, shaming my own emotions, shaming my partner’s emotions, judging. Yeah. I’m letting go of that. It’s it’s it’s no longer mine, and you can use your breath to inhale and exhale that. Yes. The anxiety, that’s probably not yours. Everything that is more than a five out of 10 of emotions is not yours. So letting letting that go comes from your parents, comes from your family system, from your ancestors, and now it is time to to exhale it. Now this was more about self regulation. Yes? How to take care of yourself, your own emotions, your own nervous system through self awareness to scanning your body, yeah, to tending to your emotions. And, of course, the concrete and the practical practice of that is in unstoppable all over.

 

[39:14] Co-Regulation

Yes? Now I’m going to co regulation. How can we help use each other as partners? Yes? What is co regulation? It’s the process of making and creating safety in myself and then helping the other to do it, helping your partner to do it too. It’s what a good parent does… A parent does. So you train your partner to tend to your nervous system by tending to your own nervous system. This is a mind **** maybe. It’s only when you start tending to your own nervous system that others will do that. K? By giving to yourself that your partner will give it to you. K? Understanding again that the tension you feel and the way you react to life is unconscious and automatic. The soothing and how you respond is conscious. This is the invitation of today. Yes? Bring that consciousness, that self awareness. And, of course, in a relationship, I hear this all the time. I had one of my clients. I worked one on one with her, and she’s here with her partner. I hope he’s watching too. She tells us… She tell… Told me, you know, two days ago, she sent me a message like, Aileen, we’re going to do Ignite. We’re stuck in a in a cycle. Like, it’s it’s stuck between us. Yeah? And they have different ways of dealing with conflict, with stress. And this is actually an expression… Oh, let me just get a drink. Of your attachment styles, how they show up in in those moments. You can have complete opposite way of responding. It might seem that your way responding is right or you might see like, oh, this my person, my partner is doing the wrong wrong response. It’s not like that. You both have a responsibility. You both have a response. Yes? If not, you wouldn’t wouldn’t be in the in the tension and in the conflict and in the spiral in the in the first time. So one person might be the fuser. Fuser, that means that you need to talk it through. You want the same connection. The other person might need space. It’s the isolator. Yes? And so you both need actually the opposite to feel safe in your system. Yeah? You recognize this? So both people need to learn to also learn from each other, like, you’re becoming each other’s teachers. The isolator has things to teach to the one that wants to fuse and vice versa. So you learn from your… The partner’s response. You be with your own terror, so the other doesn’t have to also. So if you have a tendency to want to go away, be with that and learn how to little by little, you stay closer and more in connection with your partner. And vice versa, if your partner needs a space, you learn how you can tend to your own nervous system so he or she can take that space, and you can take that space for yourself too. So you’re becoming each other’s teachers. Can you can you see that? It’s very beautiful. So you have to go first when there’s a trigger. Yes? You have to go first in regulating yourself, and then you can go into core regulation.

 

[42:21] Five Deep Breaths & Speaking From Your Pain

The breath. Yes. The breath is our biggest friend. Yes? Three to four… Five deep breaths save marriages, save relationships. This is the first thing I want you to remember from conflict to repair, to peace breathing. Why? Because it brings you from your primal brain back into your prefrontal cortex where your adult files are stored. So you go back from being a little boy or girl into coming back in your adult myself. This is literally what happens in your brain. K? Three breaths, breathing your exhalation longer than your inhalation. This is how you regulate your nervous system into a parasympathetic nervous system state. K? So this is what brings you brings you… Makes your your body come online, and this is what brings you back into, oh, I’m here, and I’m adult self. Yeah. And I have a choice of how I respond instead of being in your reaction. And next thing is showing your partner the pain, not the blame. Very important. If you’re the one accusing, complaining, this is… I want you to really pay attention. On of your anger is heartbreak, is pain, is hurt, and you have to be willing to feel that pain within yourself rather than even talk about it. Yes? And rather than going into the blaming. Yes? Again, go for it. Feel the pain that you’re having. Yes? And when you start, you know, feeling your pain and just speaking from your pain, your partner has a way in. Yes? You’re inviting your partner to to… Into your heart, basically, and they will start asking questions. I’m going to speak on on how to respond in in a moment. Yes? But as one expressing, go to the pain. Don’t tell them it’s your fault. I’m feeling this way. Let them come to that conclusion. Yes? They need to make the connection between your pain and their behavior, and and when they come to that connection and they’re able to also deal with the fact, as I said earlier, like, oh, it sucks. You know? You hurt the person you love the most. It happens all the time in relationship. It’s important to acknowledge that, and then your behavior will start changing, and it’s only when your partner gets to that conclusion himself or herself that their behavior will change. It’s not because of blaming and shaming Yes? That they will they will change their behavior. They might, but it’s not integrated within their own being. You know what I’m saying? This is more nuanced teachings I’m giving you. And when you actually do not blame them, it… Your partner stays in their dignity actually. They can come to their conclusion privately, and they might need some time to do to do that. They might need to go into the cave. They might need a day. They might need to talk about it with their girlfriends to realize, oh, actually, yeah, this this is on me, and then we go into apologizing. Yes? So sharing your pain, your contractions, don’t make your partner causal for the contractions. K? So be courageous to share it. And when you are courageous to share your own pain, you are teaching and you’re showing your modeling and your partner will start doing the same thing. This is how you go deeper, way deeper in your emotional connection. It’s such a skill. It’s an art. Next one is do not make your partner responsible for fixing your emotion. You caused my feeling. No. Just show them the pain. They don’t need to fix it. They don’t need to solve it. So notice your nervous system, your own experience instead of focusing and making it about the other. Yes? And then express. Use a scale. I’m a seven out of 10 angry right now. I’m six out of 10 sad. Yeah? So… And and when you did this, actually, went up to a nine out of 10. So, you know, you can tell them, know that you love me, but when you say, oh, you don’t have time for me, so you you really mentioned a very practical and and description of what happened. Yes? Not an interpretation. You really described and you repeat their words if if that’s applicable to the situation. My body contracted, you know, and you express that. You just explain you did this and it made me feel like this, and this is a story I created about about this situation. Yes? Yeah. So those are beautiful ways to start dealing with tension in a different way. Yes? There’s nine questions I want you to ask yourself to assess your tone, your energy in a moment of trigger, because as I said, your words matter less than the state of your nervous system. What are you emanating? Pressure or space? Number one. How are you speaking? Demanding or inviting? Three. Am I talking about one thing only, or are you kitchen thinking? S. A. P. L. Speaks about that. You’re bringing the past. You bring in all kinds of things. You always do this. You never… These are absolutes. You want to avoid that. Are you talking about one thing that is happening in this moment? That’s important. Four, in the middle of a conversation, ask yourself, am I huggable? You know, are you open or closed? And this is a visceral experience in your body. If you’re like this, if you’re like this, you’re not huggable. Yes? Be be honest. Are they huggable right now? Just noticing that. Number five. Six, are you dumping your own dissatisfaction on them so you can avoid the discomfort within yourself? Oh, big one. How present is your heart right now on a scale from one to 10? K? Be honest. Asking for consent. I would like to talk about this. Is now a good time? Because your partner might be working or they might be doing something, and it might not be the time to bring up this charged topic. Ask and… Ask it and agree on a time when you will have a a a challenging conversation. And nine, of course, making their no okay. If, you know, they’re not ready to have the difficult conversation, be okay with that. Becoming a safe… A person it is safe to say no to. This is one of the most important things you can become. It’s in sex. It’s in general topics of tension and stress. When it is safe to say no to you, wow. This is such a game changer. Alright? So this is safety check. You know? Am I contributing to the safety? Yeah? Is… Am I and how I’m showing up and how I’m communicating? Am I creating this safe space? These are the elements you can look for. Or is it best to step away until later? You can step away. You’re allowed to take a break, to take time to regulate your nervous system. Communicate about that, though. Say like, hey. I’m realizing, you know, I’m upset and I want to really solve this thing, but I I I need some time. Can we talk about this in three hours or tonight? Yes? Communicate. Not just running away. That’s a stress response. Yes? Asking for do overs. This is another one. Wow. This is not how I actually wanted to respond to this. Can I can I have a do over? It’s so beautiful. It’s like, you know, you’re you’re like rewinding and you’re kind of creating that that request. It’s beautiful. Yeah? And the moment you take responsibility and you lead the conversation in this neutral direction, the more you become that safe space, your partner will actually see their own craziness, yes, in that moment. When you remove your own crazy first, yes, you will actually invite them to remove theirs. Yes? You demo the change by being that change in your own nervous system, and that will inspires theirs. It’s the same with kids. Yes? And that can take a while, you know, your… When I’m inviting you into these shifts today, it takes practice. It takes months. Yes? It takes years sometimes, and that’s okay. It’s like you’re in this relationship for for for a long time. Yes? So you need to give yourself the time and the space to practice these things. And, you know, you use your partner’s crazy to build your own muscle to be this ninja and this emotional ninja. Yes. And you see your relationship as a gym, you know, an emotional gym.

 

[50:41] Drop the Need to Be Right

And, yeah, another element, which is very important, and probably you know this one, because it’s a classic in relationship, you know, conflict tools and tips, is you drop the needing to be right. Oh, such a big one. This will make you into an enlightened human, honestly. You know, conflict ends when the power struggle of who needs to be right ends. My god. If you take away one thing from this class, I know you’ll take many things because I’m giving you golden tips. But if you take away one thing, it’s this one. In a co committed relationship, you take 100% responsibility for for creating the conflict. So it’s your responsibility. So the power struggle ends in that moment. Yes? Can you solve a problem without it being anyone’s fault? Can you drop the need to be right? Can you drop the need for your person to see it your way? Yes? Are you here for that? This is why I’m saying this is… You become an extraordinary human when you’re capable of being that courageous of choosing to lead your relationship in this way. And also understanding that any backstory makes sense, like any person in your life you think is wrong will be right in a certain circumstance. Eckhart Tolle has a beautiful quote on that. Like, if you would be in the same situation, same circumstances, you will probably respond in the same way. That’s a beautiful way to actually bring compassion to your partner’s response actually. Yes? That you would be the same if you were them. In their situation, you would be the same. So their reaction, their backstory, that makes sense. Yeah? There’s another one which is beautiful, which is Byron Katie’s work. You can look these things up, of course, all the things I mentioned. Yes? Because I I go to Gestalt, I go to Imago, I go to… You know, all of my work is is feeding into things from the East and things from the West. Yes? Everything I’m teaching you, it’s all being… You know, I’m trained for this. I’m I’m I’m bringing different sources and the different kind of science and the scientific and and the and the more spiritual teachings around that. Right? Byron Kate is a very powerful teacher, and she explains… She has four questions, and one of them is the turnaround. Like, everything that you think is bad and everything that you think is bad about your partner’s perspective, the opposite could also be true. That means also that in your own, like, fundamentalist mind, you know, we think we’re so right and our our view is the right view. Just think about how the opposite of literally your thought and assessment of a situation could be as true, equally true. And this is like a way to blow your mind open. Yes? It’s the most amazing tool that Byron Katie’s do work is actually to realize the absurdity of your ego, of your thinking, of your thoughts, how relative they they are, how your experience of life is very subjective. It’s not the absolute truth. The absolute truth is love. Damn. More on that tomorrow. When you think in absolutes, you don’t leave leave room for real possibilities and all kinds of scenario that that is the reality of life, you know. So stop being a fundamentalist in in your relationship. Yeah? Thinking that you are right and that your weight of looking at things is the only truth. It’s just not true. Yes? You need to get out of the right and wrong dichotomy. Yes? And I love this quote from Rumi. I love it so much. Rumi wrote, in between right and wrong, there is a garden. I will meet you there. In between right and wrong, there is a garden. I will meet you there. Let’s be lovers in this way. Yes? So when… Bring that bring that in your fights, bring that in your attention. Yes? Feel your, you know, your partner as, wow, they have a perspective and I can get to be curious about that. Yes? Being nice, being compassionate, it’s useful most of the time, you know, it will get you way further in life than continuing to try to be right in life. Yeah? And to be righteous and all my ego. I… Yeah. I will prove them right. We have a lot of that energy, a lot of us. Yes? Myself included. And this is… Brings deep humbleness and humility. Yeah? It… We need to be humble in this life. You need to be humble in your relationship. This call, this you being here, this class watching it, it brings this out inside of you, and that’s beautiful because it opens your height, humbleness. Yeah? And it brings you in connection with the eyesight world. So it means that you do not have to agree with your partner what your partner is is saying. Agreement is not required. Yes? You have your own vision on this, on this scenario, on this situation. That’s okay. What you do need, however, to bring repair and to bring closeness is curiosity and understanding. Curiosity and understanding. So making your partner feel dignified in their emotion, in their experience. You have a different version of it. That’s okay. You don’t need to be right. So this is… Brings constant and immediate de escalation. Yes? This brings immediate trust. Trust, the word trust has us in there. Yes? So bringing that curiosity is wow, the biggest move.

 

[56:30] The Ninja Move: Curiosity Instead of Defending

Yeah? So it’s a ninja move in conflict. It’s… You lean into curiosity instead of polarizing the conflict, and this is counterintuitive, yes, because your ego wants to prove itself. So this is why you become a ninja. You’re not defending, you’re not explaining, you become curious about your partner’s subjective experience. And what you do is very simple. What you say literally is, do I understand you correctly that you are feeling upset because of… You repeat their words back to them. Yes? When you lead with that curiosity, when you bring acceptance to their experience. Yeah? Do I understand you that this is what you experienced because of this and this and this? Nine out of 10, this will deescalate the conflict immediately. Your partner will relax. Yeah? This will… Your partner will accept that. Yes? So this is the most important tool to develop honestly in your relationship. And also understanding that, you know, it’s okay to have feedback. Yeah? Feedback is not the enemy. You know, you can give each other’s feedback to things that happened. It it allows you to become become a better human, a better lover, basically. It’s kind of you’re in a relationship. Yes. You’re allowing… It’s the same with lovemaking. Your complaints and your requests are actually… That your partner gives… When your partner is complaining, there’s actually a request underneath there for you to become a better human. We correct each other with love and skill. So we want to, of course, become skillful at this kind of feedback giving, yes, to each other so that it’s a peaceful and ecstatic experience instead of a hurtful experience. And so, yeah, you get to be that that leader, yes, From the versus, from being opponents to, yeah, being team… On the same team to The Us. Yes? And again, when your partner is very triggered, you don’t, you know, you don’t need to take over. You don’t need to rescue them. Let them cope with their intense emotions. Yes? And the more you can cope with with their own discomfort, the more you can cope with their discomfort. So meaning that you’re not fixing them, you’re not running away, you’re not… You don’t need them to to not have that emotion in that moment. The more you allow them to cope with it themselves, they’re actually learning how to regulate their own nervous system. When you try to fix, even if you have the best intentions, men often do that. They try to solve or analyze or rationalize the situation and your emotions. Doesn’t work. Yes. It’s solving. It’s fixing. It’s it’s trying to take it away. The only thing that that… The biggest gift that you can give is just letting letting there be acceptance. Yeah? Let the emotion be there. And see your partner as resilient, as a powerful human being that is capable of solving their own internal dilemmas. Even though it seems like you’re the one responsible for them, you’re actually not. Yes? And you’re not there to fix their emotions again. So allow someone to go through their emotional experience. Like you look at the gorilla behind the glass. Yes? And and give them this I don’t need you to be different attitude, like, and this requires nervous system regulation. Yes? Not mothering, not controlling, not bothering. Yeah? And you know if your partner is triggered, you don’t believe what they’re saying. You know if they’re died… They have gone back to their 40 year old self, don’t believe their… The information they’re telling you. You go to your partner, you give you understanding, but you don’t take it as real information. Yes? Do not let it in. When you hear that their their their voice tone is and their heart is closed. Very important. Yeah. You don’t take it seriously almost.

 

[1:00:20] Complaints Are Hidden Requests

And so when your partner complains, again, as I said a minute ago, like, ah, there’s something underneath that complaint that I’m missing. There’s something that they’re seeing in me. There’s something that they are missing inside of me that they are seeing a potential, a greatness that I’m not giving them, and and that’s why they’re complaining. Yes? So their complaints hold in them your next level as a human. Complaints are hidden requests. A request for kindness, for touch, for attention, for softness, for help. Yes? So requests are actually upgrades, improving both people in the relationship. And of course, as I told you yesterday, you want to go from the person from complaining into requesting. Yes? From showing your pain. Of course, if your partner… If if if you are in the receiving end of that, your partner is not capable of doing that, so they are complaining in that moment, yes, then you do the work. You do the the gift. You bring the gift of love of realizing, oh, there’s something I can do in this moment that will make me a better human. Yes? And that will deescalate. They’re asking something. They’re needing something of me. They’re not capable of telling me what it is. They’re complaining. Yes? But there’s something that now calls me into my next version as a human. So this is amazing. Yes? And again, of course, if you are the one complaining, turning them that… The complaint into a request is the way that will, wow, uplevel your entire relationship. Instead of I hate it when you push the dishes in the sink, why don’t you put them in the dishwasher? It’s like, oh, I love it when you push the dishes in the dishwasher. Oh, it just gives me… It makes me feel so relaxed and and cared for. Yes? Like, you speak them into their next version. Yeah? In the next level by focusing on what they do right. It’s the same with sex. They do something that feels good at the level three out of 10, you let them know. You give them feedback immediately with your words, with your sounds, with the love. Yeah? It’s the same with the sexiness bucket. You tell them what you appreciate in your partner. Your partner will do more of that instead of complaining about what they’re not giving you. This is the most epic way of dealing with conflicts, of shifting your relationship dynamic. I’m so curious how this is landing. I… You know, I’m giving you a lot of different tools to work with, obviously. Yes? To deal with, to to go from being reactive to responding, from taking responsibility for your own nervous system. Yeah? From understanding why you respond the way you do, how it goes back to your childhood, having that compassion for yourself, you know, becoming your own best caretaker, becoming your own best mother and father, and by the way, lover is what I spoke to yesterday. Today, I’m talking more about you need to become your own best mother and father. As an adult man, as an adult woman, this is what you have to do. Yes? And not projecting it and keeping it running and and and keeping it to be part of, you know, your dynamics and expecting on an unconscious level for your partner to fix it for you, to mother you, to solve it. Yes? And by the way, again, you do this also by avoiding, by attacking, etcetera, etcetera. So this radical responsibility, self responsibility, yes, is is a way through, and this is what will make you an extraordinary partner. This will… Is what will open your intimacy, your attraction, your lovemaking. This is directly related to epic lovemaking. When you do this, attraction will spike. Yes? You will be able to to feel the love and the erotic juice flowing. Yeah? Because emotional safety and trust and love is a basis for amazing lovemaking. So this is… There’s so many reasons that I mentioned why this is so important, obviously. So I I hope this lands within your system. And, of course, it’s a it’s a matter of practicing. You know? We are not perfect. These… The tools I’m teaching you, is a matter of getting 5% better at in your next tension conflict, even the small ones, even the smallest ones. You don’t need to go to the big fights. Some of you will have it in in different… In smaller moments. Shift out of it 10% that you go from being reactive to, ah, taking more responsibility, ah, regulating my own nervous system. K?

 

[1:04:58] Unstoppable Lovers Invitation

And so, again, if you want to do this and learn exactly how to do this and how to have actually even your heart opening so that you have heart orgasming orgasms. Like, I teach couples to have… To make love in many different ways. Yes? Lusty, wild, sexy, but also heart and loving, heart loving sexiness and and sexuality. So beautiful. This is all that… All the things that I’m teaching in unstoppable lovers. Yes. Module two is about all the things that I taught you today. It’s all in module two, and we bring this home in our bodies and in our sexuality as well. So it’s not just about the emotional regulation, it’s also about, okay, how does it bring you in a deeper physical connection And how can you have actually orgasmic experiences when you are connecting to each other in this, wow, amazing, amazing way? So you can already book a call, yes, to go and, well, first, click on the unstoppable lovers link. It’s on this page, obviously. You can ask me any questions also about it in in… Through Instagram. Yeah? And just book your call. The call is a no pressure connection call, so it’s really to to talk about who you are as a couple. Yeah? And it’s about feeling in both directions. Okay. Is this the most amazing next step that you can give yourself? Some of our lovers, I invite you to look at the page and look at the testimonials because there’s been now 30, 40 couples because I’ve I’ve… This is the third time I’m launching it that have gone before you, and all of these couples have amazing amazing experiences. Actually, I was on a call with a friend of mine, and she did also about lovers last year with a partner. She already wanted to do it the year before. He needed more time to to be… To understand that working on the relationship was the was the biggest gift for for themselves and to… For himself. And she told me today, Elaine, you can tell the couples inside of Ignite, actually, that because we did… Or one of the big elements that brought us now into being engaged and getting married is Unstoppable Lovers. Because at the beginning… And Robin and and Karen, they’re in the testimonial on the page so I can share their names. They said, like, hey, we are so stuck. And Robin said to himself, like, I don’t know if I can marry a woman that does not want to make love with me. And so they they were stuck in that level and they they escalated and and unlocked all of that in the first two modules of of Ensemble Lovers, and now they’re getting married. So this is really… She told me, like, we’re in the most amazing space in our relationship, and she said, you should tell the couples this. Yes? And again, it’s not because you don’t have to be in a crisis mode just to say yes to Ensemble Lovers because you’ll see the tools that I’m teaching you. I have couples that join that have amazing love making that just want to up level and upgrade and you will. You will. So Ensemble Lovers is here for you. Book your call. If you book your call before the end of the master class, you have an extra discount, and that’s it. You know? I I would love to go on this journey with you. There’s already a couple that that have said yes. Amazing. So I want to do a little practice with you now. Yes? Before we end this amazing day two of Ignite, and I cannot wait to read in the chat how it was for you, yeah, everything that came up.

 

[1:08:28] Practice: Your Greatness & Your Blind Spots

I want you to prepare for practice now. You can pause the recording for a moment just to prepare, and you need two pillows. K? And so now let’s begin. As you are sitting in front of each other, yeah, with a pillow nearby, I want you to just feel your body for a moment and to feel everything that has been stirred up through this class and just welcoming yourself here. You can take turns saying your name out loud to really welcome and call yourself in the present moment. You are fully here. You’re showing up. And person with the longest hair, you’re going to start first. I’m going to take you through this process first. And I want you to start speaking your own greatness. I want you to see yourself as a alpha. Yes. This is polarity. And you want to speak the things you’re good at. I’m good at being positive for other people. I’m good at loving my friends when they need me. When someone calls me, I pick up the phone. Like, speak your own greatness as you look into your partner’s eyes, and you’re offering yourself this seeing, obviously, and you’re sharing that with your partner. What? And now, my dear, you’re going to speak about your own crazy, your own blind spots that you’re now putting… You’re admitting the parts inside of yourself that you know, yes, are… You can call them shallow parts that you’re now inviting to bring awareness to, and I can be I can be impatient. I can complain a lot. I can be angry and really vomit my anger on you. I can be controlling. I can be critical. I can really be avoidant by, you know, going to watch my… The football or so. I can be jealous and possessive. I can avoid being here by drinking. When I get stressed out, this is how I respond. So just taking a moment to see yourself in this way, to admit this, to bring this in the space. That will do. And I want you to grab a pillow now. Put it on your lap and just feeling in your body all the things that you mentioned and letting it be there. And just notice what the sensations are in your body as you are acknowledging your own crazy, your own blind spots, your own reactivity, your stress response, your trauma response. And now let that flow into the pillow. So all of this gets sucked into the pillow somehow. I’m feeling the heaviness of that pillow. You’re going to hand that pillow to your partner and notice what it is like to dump it on them in this way, how that feels when you recognize that this is might… This might be happening. And now now as a partner receiving that pillow of complaints, of all the things that you know, that you sometimes try to carry for your partner. You don’t know how. It’s been heavy sometimes. Just noticing what that feels like in your system. And you can say out loud, I feel. Sharing an emotion, sensation. Feel anger coming up in my chest. And partner with the longest hair, you’re going to take the pillow back and say, is not yours to care, Carrie. This is no longer yours to carry. Taking it back right now. And as you take the pillow back, I want you to hold it, to embrace it like you would be holding a little baby. If that feels doable, if this is real for you, yes, if this is not possible for you, then just do it in your own way. You can put it aside from you and still bring a level of acceptance to it. What is important now is for you to accept who you are and do that from a space of, again, the alpha, the seer that is loving awareness. So no longer a judgmental inner critic, no longer an avoider, like, oh, no. I don’t have any issues. I’m perfect. No. You acknowledge yourself. Just bringing acceptance to who you are. And notice what that feels like in your body when you accept, take responsibility and accept everything that you are. Also, you’re crazy. And you get to now accept and love this part or at least start a journey of a new relationship within yourself. And now partner with the shoulders here. You’re going to speak. I see that you are trying your best, and you are safe, and I love you, and I accept you. Good. Taking a deep breath in together and for a moment, thank each other with a hug. If at any moment in this practice you need more time, please pause the recording.

 

[1:19:05] Practice: Partner Switch

Now we’re switching it all, sobers and partner with the shortest hair. Your turn. Having your pillow close by, you know what’s coming. Going to start with speaking your own greatness, seeing yourself, acknowledging the parts of yourself that are beautiful, positive, great, Taking time to speak them out loud right now to yourself and to your partner. Good. Take a deep breath in. Now you’re going to share your crazy and a lot of self awareness, just speaking the parts of you that are reactive, your own blind spots. Whatever it is, speak it and speak it with, equanimity. No need to judge yourself. Bringing that into the space as well, being honest, maybe admitting for the first time, yes, ever to certain things, certain behavior, certain ways of being. And that will do. Closing your eyes now and feeling what that feels like in your body, emotions, sensations. And numbness is also a sensation. Yes? So not feeling, dissociating, always going to the mind, ways of not feeling. Just observe that. Be with it. The heaviness of these things, typical activation, things that you feel in your body and you often try to ignore. And now let all of this flow into the pillow, pillow that is in your lap, taking a moment to let that happen. And now you’re going to hand that pillow over to your partner and notice what that feels like to drop from it, project all your stuff on them and realize how you sometimes do that in some shape or form, maybe. And notice how that feels to receive that pillow. And the partner receiving the pillow, you’re going to say, I feel. Try how it feels to be handed over the pillow. And now person with the shortest hair, you take it back. You take the pillow back, and you say this is no longer yours to carry. And I’ll do whatever you need to do with a pillow to bring acceptance to it. It’s either really hugging it, embracing it, or letting it rest in your lap or putting it in front of you, whatever feels right. But let it be a moment of acceptance of your own self, of everything that you are, and taking responsibility for these parts of you and loving them. And if love is not available, just accepting it, accepting that these are parts of you actually need your love and validation, need to be seen. And notice what it’s like to develop this alpha, this seer that is loving awareness instead of an avoider or a critical part. And just do this in your own way. A person with the longest hair, you are going to acknowledge this process for your partner. I see that you’re doing your best. I accept you. I support you. I love you. To see what that feels like to receive that seeing, that acknowledgment, that support. And taking a deep breath together and thanking each other.

 

[1:29:38] Closing

This was day two of Ignite. Come in the chat. Let me know and let us know how this is moving through you. Check out Unsubtle lovers. Yes. Book your call. Just go for it. Yeah. Let it see where it takes takes you. You will know when you’re ready. I mean, you will feel it, and then and then there’s a a decision process that that will be very, very beautiful. Check out the giveaway post. Share it. Yes. And, of course, drop your questions in the q and a form. And I will see you tomorrow, and I will see you in the chat in the community as well.